It just might be, according to Travis DuBois of The St. Louis American, a local publication catered to African-Americans in the area. Check out his great article, titled “ Black and Single: You’re Fly – Just Not That Much“ below:
“ Do you ever find yourself asking, “What the heck is wrong with me? I’m educated, I have a great personality, and I may not be Paula Patton or Idris Elba, but I’m fairly easy on the eyes. Why am I on the market? ”Or, perhaps you’re a bit less self-deprecating and substitute the first sentence with, “What the heck is wrong with St. Louis?!” (I won’t touch that one.) The following information could very well explain what’s wrong. Brace yourself. You are not as fly as you think you are.
There is a huge percentage of educated, black and at least semi-attractive people who have grossly-inflated senses of self, thanks to the media and people who supposedly love us. It isn’t our faults.
Young black girls are called “princesses” and “queens” by their mothers, fathers, grandparents and anyone else who raises them with compassion and care. To compound matters, they have the expectation of being swept off of their feet by recklessly-enamored “Prince Charmings,” thanks to children’s movies such as Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast.
Then, when they become more mature, the message that is repeatedly beaten into their heads is that black men are trifling, low-achieving characters who are not good enough for them.
This same message has contributed to the false sense of self that many black men have. Those of us who manage to become successful and exceed the expectations that nearly everyone in America has of us are acutely aware of our perceived rareness. We think that since we are the cream of the crop, the best consistency would be for life to pair us with the crème de la crème.
Furthermore, movies, music and magazines teach us that the only women who actually matter are the “fly” ones. If we can’t call her “Halle Berry” in the club, and if she isn’t a certain complexion or doesn’t have the desired height-to-weight ratio, then she isn’t worth our time because “we can do better.”
I understand all of these arguments. But, what if maybe, just maybe, black men and women turned the “swag” down just a little? I recently looked through my catalog of ex-girlfriends and former flings and realized that I could probably start my own men’s magazine if they were all willing to pose for it. Beyond mere physical appearance, each of them is on her way to becoming an accomplished professional. Yet none was quite good enough.
Many of us run into equally-yoked and equally-available members of the opposite sex on a weekly basis, yet something always gets in the way. One thing is the fact that we have lost touch with reality.
You can be brilliant, motivated and attractive and still be an 8 or a 9. Yes, you who think that you are a “dimepiece” or an Adonis, though you have certain things going for you, you may actually be an 8 or a 9 for other reasons. There is nothing wrong with that.
Now given that reality, is it not bizarre of us to demand perfection in someone else when we have undesirable flaws of our own, some of which we can’t even admit to?
Let me be clear: I am not advising us all to drastically lower our standards and start looking for love in people we wouldn’t let baby-sit our nephews. But perhaps what we think of as a perfect match is actually a mismatch. If we are an 8.5 looking only for a 10, can we justifiably be frustrated when life continues to feed us a 9?”
I’d like to think I perform a rather thorough self-examination of myself when thinking about my single-hood, being that I’m the common denominator in all of my relationships. But I never honestly considered whether or not my standards were/are too high. And though the above article may be a great eye-opener to some, I still don’t believe I’m acting any more “entitled” to a good man than the next woman.
What are your thoughts on Mr. DuBois’s article? And Im just curious, how would you rate yourself on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the best?
1 Comment
09/02/2009 at 6:34 PM
Great site…keep up the good work.